Day one

Starting my journal on to getting rid of the need for lust. been into porn and this habit since i was 12 as i came across what it was completely on accident and it kind of consumed me ever since. Kind of just been routine for a while and i found lust started to take over. i found myself on dating apps and looking for relationships with women with the soul intent of nothing meaningful except for the intimacy part of it. early last year i lost my virginity (i’m 20 so did when i was 19) i had girlfriends previous to that but i stayed away from losing my virginity because the whole idea of it kind of scared me and i also did not want to be a father. The girl i was dating at the time made me feel safe and made it easy for my first time and it was great. and she would be excited to do it whenever the subject was brought up. Now sadly after a month and a half of us dating she didn’t feel like she could be in a relationship anymore. she never gave me much closure or reason as to why but she ended things. and up until this point before this relationship since early grade 10 so from when i was 15/16-19 i had constantly felt the need to find women to date or talk to. i never felt like i could be with myself. for the years i’d be glued to my phone or it’d be pretty much all i thought about how i hated being single and wanted a girlfriend but if i dated someone we never really went out it just consisted of us hanging out at either one of our places laying in bed not doing a whole lot. and now as that may be great, there is no substance to that and you can’t truly get to know someone or get a true connection if it solely relies on intimacy. after i had been with the girl i lost my virginity too, (i met her in person) i downloaded tinder or other dating apps in hope of finding a girlfriend or someone for something casual because i had been introduced into a whole new world of intimacy as i couldn’t imagine what sex was like before that and as i was learning i had it taken away. I met 1 girl on tinder who was pretty much down to bang right away, now it was cool at first, but i also wanted the relationship aspect of it. but when we hungout i started to realize all she wanted was to get in my pants, because before we would have sex she was super affectionate and into me but afterwards she would be distant and never seemed all that interested in what i had to say. so i ended things because there were other problems i came across with her. The next girl i was talking too we hungout at an amusement park, and we had been in contact for a couple weeks now and she made it known she had an iud and told me. after hanging out at the amusement park we got a hotel room, and back at the hotel room she was very on me and like she was hyper sexual and wanted too. my thing is the first two people i was with i used protection for both and had never done it unprotected. And she wanted too because since she said she was on a IUD it’d be safe. Knowing that i still felt uncomfortable and didn’t want to, and asked if i could just use a condom because the idea of it made me uncomfortable and i didn’t really know her. she did not take this well she pulled away facing away from me and gave me the silent treatment. saying how I turned her off of me because i didn’t trust her and that her attraction to me should have been enough for me to know that she was telling the truth. And i was into this girl and thought she was attractive so i gave in and told her i was fine with it and so we did unprotected. This went on for a couple weeks or so but after a bit i ended things because it was not working out (it was long distance she was away for the summer her college was in my town) we got back into contact and we started talking all the time again. she came into town and she brought me to her dorm as we were hanging out platonically at first, but as we reached her room it went from platonic to intimate in not a long time. she was a ra (residents assistant) at the dorms and didn’t know many people and was down at the college a week before everyone showed up so i was the only person she knew in town. so we hungout pretty much every day. and it worked because i work nights close by so after work i’d go by her place before orientation started for the RAs and sleep there while she had orientation then hangout after her orientation was done. and we had sex quite occasionally. but after people moved in she completely lost interest in hanging out with me then saying she had no interest in talking to me when she knew i wanted a relationship. After that i had redownloaded tinder, and i matched with one of her roommates unknowing because i had never met them. and we had traded messages twice (just talking about my dog as i had my dog in my profile). and i got a call from the girl. she called me saying how she heard i was hitting on her room mate. i said what do you mean, she had her roommate sitting next to her and confirmed she matched with me and i said yeah why? she said “idk i thought it was funny” after proceeded to ask me if i wanted to hangout. i had nothing better going on so i agreed and let her come over to my house. she came over and we talked for a bit and she made dinner, after making dinner she sat me down and looked me in the face. she said how her seeing her room mate match with me had her think, she asked her roommates what they thought of me and they said “he seemed nice” but she said no like what do you think of him and the two of them both thought i was attractive. and the fact she didn’t have me to herself made her jealous so she told me she wanted to test run a relationship because she didn’t like that we weren’t talking anymore. and i agreed because i still liked her. instantly after pretty much she was getting into my pants and we had sex. Not much longer after she ended up leaving texting that she had a great time. The next day though she texted saying she didn’t know if she was ready and didn’t want a relationship. that was the last time her and i talked in that way. But the thing is the whole time every time we had sex it was unprotected a couple months later i found out from a guy she dated (mutual friend) she lied about having a IUD and never really had one but made me feel bad when i didn’t feel comfortable bc i didn’t know if she did or not. Now fast forward to November 2024. My co worker set me up with his fiancés best friend on a blind date (he didn’t tell me it was a blind date) but her and i got along really well. we had a lot to talk about and i made her laugh (something i think is important). and so i asked for her number and she gave it and we texted all the time and she would call me while i was working night shifts. i asked her if she wanted to hangout and she agreed. it went well and we went back to my place and things got intimate. And it went from that to us having sex, she was safe about it and i initiated it. not much longer after that we started dating. we dated for a month and a half the problem that was with this relationship was that we had not known each other very long before i had sex and i started it but we found we came into a problem we did it too often and it became transactional and it became tense between us bc it felt like a chore hanging out. we did a lot together we went to the gym, bull riding, we hangout with her best friend and my co worker often but it’d be after when we got to my place. and she brought it up to me she felt like we rushed into things and that because of the fact things got intimate so fast we never built that emotional relationship. i realized that i was feeling the same i just wanted to salvage it but she felt it was best to break up. she was a great girl but she was right it made me sad. But one thing i learned from that relationship was i had been too comfortable with the idea of sex. I found i was addicted to porn, my diet had deteriorated i still went to the gym but i had gained weight. And one thing that relationship made me realize is i never want to let that happen again. I hate having failed relationships and i feel like the true meaning of a relationship is never built solely on being sexual with someone it is the bond you have with them. and the idea of lust had ruined me mentally. since then or mid december 2024 i have not been with a women in any romantic aspect. I have been on about 3 dates since the new year but i haven’t done so much as even holding hands with any of them because i had the realization that in my mind i always put girls in a pedestal and felt like i was never good enough so i had to compensate that by making sure i pleasured them sexually. but i realized that the point of dating is to see if they are the right fit for you too and that once i started getting rid of the idea of lust i realizing not a lot of girls i met fulfilled the values that truly were important to me. And since then i have stopped trying so hard to fill a void that does not need to be filled. and i have focused on truly being pjs with solitude. I have always gone to the gym regularly and say i am fairly strong (squat 440lbs, bench 220lbs and deadlift 500lbs) but my diet has improved, i am in school to become a paramedic and also work full time on the weekends, while balancing family, friends and everything. I believe i have started to overcome lust but i think quitting today is the next step.