Nearly 7 days in…

I’m nearly 7 days in with no porn or masturbating and I’m waiting for the benefits. I had already been conscious of quitting for the past few months and had multiple streaks of a handful of weeks of no porn. But this is the first time I’m giving up masturbating as well. I have had minor urges to masturbate, but nothing I can’t overcome. No urges to look at porn. I even looked away from the TV during a sex scene in a show I was watching. I don’t want to see that stuff. But I have not felt worse than this in a very long time. This period of my life is all about healing and growth. I’ve been sober from alcohol a little over 7 months after a DUI. Quit cold turkey. Haven’t smoked weed in about 2.5 months. Same thing, cold turkey. Once I decide, my resolve is pretty strong. But I feel completely unmotivated and exhausted and alone. I started a new 9-5 job after having been in the service industry for most of the past decade. I struggle to wake up to get to work. When I get home, all I want to do is sleep. I haven’t been to the gym in about 3 weeks, after building a really good, consistent habit over the past 6 months. The routine disruption of the new job has been jarring. The only time I feel any sense of peace and safety is when I’m sleeping. I feel like I’m constantly in survival mode. I feel so far behind. So unloved even though I know I have people in my life that love me. No confidence in myself or my abilities. No ability to acknowledge my wins. God feels so distant despite constant, daily seeking Him. I am reading my Bible, praying and pleading with Him for His presence and guidance, listening to worship music exclusively, watching sermons and listening to podcasts to try to learn about Him and grow my faith. I grew up in church and Christian school, and around the time of my DUI, I knew I needed to turn back to my faith. I had a transformative experience of encountering and being filled with the presence and peace of the Holy Spirit that pulled me through for a few months, so I know that it is how I want to live. My heart was full of love and hope and confidence, but now it is the complete opposite and I don’t know what changed or how to turn my heart back. The evidence of my life became overwhelming that I was not in control and I cannot do this on my own. I know how weak I am and that I cannot do this alone. But I don’t feel His love, peace, or direction in my life. I desperately want to know my purpose for being on this planet, but everything I hear and read just makes me more confused. It all just sounds like word salad. I know God has not abandoned me because His word promises He is with us always. But I want Him to speak to me and I hear nothing. I know I need to stay patient and this all will strengthen my faith. I praise Him despite my despair. But my heart is deeply wounded. I hold on to the pain women have caused me and it makes me distrustful of all women and hateful. My heart is hard, cold, bitter, angry, and resentful and I desperately don’t want to be this way. But I do not understand how to “let it go”. It’s all so vague. My attitude is obviously extremely negative and I feel immense guilt for my past despite knowing God loves me and I am forgiven through Jesus’ blood. How do I actually change? How do I receive the forgiveness? How do I depend on God and give up control? How do I accept His love? Despite all this, I know turning back to my old life will not benefit me growing into the man I want to become, so I choose to continue forward, seeking Jesus and praising His name. But man, I don’t know how long I can go on like this feeling so alone. I am trusting in God’s promises and trying to live like Jesus and challenge my negativity and beliefs that certain things are impossible for me. I hate how self-centered and negative this whole post is. I just want to love others and fill them with the love of Jesus. But I don’t know how to do that when I don’t love myself and feel so far away from God. If you’ve read this far I’m sorry. We are all in this together and I’m praying for you brother.