The repugnant cycle

After each relapse I tell myself “ That was aweful, I’ll never do that again”. And for a while I remember the clarity I had after my failure. I see the mistakes I have made and how they have been building up over the years. I feel the sickness in my brain. But then, some time goes by. A few days maybe a week and the self inflicted wound is no longer fresh. The pain I felt in the beginning gives way to numbness. I begin to think myself stronger than I actually am. Perhaps this sort of defense mechanism is helpful because the weight of my many indiscretions are nigh impossible to bear for long. But the trouble is, I lose sight of why I must never again open up that web page. Why I must never entertain the thought of logging in to that app. I fool myself into thinking, just a little won’t be that bad for me. After all, I’m not a bad person right? But once I entertain the thought, the hunger takes root and the binge begins. Even in the moment I am shocked that I would given in so easily. But the sunk cost fallacy is at play. I think “ well, I’ve come this far…. I’ve already messed up. Might as well keep going”. This fallacious way of thinking has got me into way more trouble than I ever thought possible. I say all this because you are like me. We struggle. We are here because we know we struggle. And if we are to ever be free we must come face to face with the wretchedness inside ourselves. This is not just a bad habit, it will be the death of all we hold dear if we let it. It is the harbinger of regret. So as I descend back into the chaos of my week and my mind gets fuzzy on the reality of what this addiction has cost me, I will try to remember what is at stake. I will pray for you all this week. Please pray for me as well