My Story (TW, explicit)

I was first introduced to porn at 5th grade, looking up naked women or boobs and remembering “I can’t wait to see this at home” and first masturbated in that same day, little did I know it’d be the start of a long and rough addiction. When I was in Middle School, I was sexually exploited, going around from girl to girl bit me in the rear when I sent who I thought was another girl my age, was an elderly man who just wanted 12 year old photos of me and he already had them. I was later groomed by a trusted “friend” online over the course of several months during a rough patch in 7th grade who just turned out to just want my photos and e-sex over Instagram and sc. I felt like damaged goods, like I was spoiled or ruined beyond repair, this addiction brought me so far down the ‘pleasure’ route that it was slowly killing me, my confidence, my self-esteem. Gaining the mentality of “well I’m already a crap person” as a 13 yr old I pimped myself out, sold photos, objectified myself for other people’s pleasure cause that’s all I thought I was good for, just to chase a high myself but mainly to just bring pleasure to others cause deep down, I was unsatisfied with myself. After years of porn and consumption, I started to lust after myself, any remotely naked experience, gym lockers, showers, swimming, any of it, I was so porn-wired that it was enough to get me going. I then started to lust after what I saw in myself in others, so for the longest time, during my HS years i struggled with same-sex attraction. It was never anything I wanted prior to, I’ve never desired a romantic relationship. But porn plagued me so much that I didn’t care where I got my high, the series of going from one extreme to the next led me there. Jesus met me where I was, saw all of that, who I was doing it for, how I was doing it, late nights and e-sex. Trading my body for an intimacy I hoped would stick around but didn’t. He saw my darkest corner, the worst, and still chose me… not because of anything I’ve ever done, but because he WANTS to draw near to the broken and heal and love on his people. That’s the same hope you have. That’s why it’s such an issue for me. Not the classic Christian homophobic hate. No. For me in my story, lust in general as a whole Les me to THAT point, whether I chose it or not, it was purely meant to satisfy a craving that old wounds have started. I struggle with it daily, constantly coping with the things done to me, and my body coping my convincing it that I enjoyed it, but it was really just trying to cope with what happened There’s hope for you too, for the guy who’s trying to get by and think he’s alone, especially in a cultural / ethnic / religious funk where you’re struggling but you feel like you can talk about it. Don’t worry, you’re not alone and there IS hope, his name is Jesus. And he loves you so much I love you And I’m proud of you. So so proud that you’re making this new step. Please reach out to me or a close friend if you need help! We’re with you! Ivan.