As a part of the engine

Everyone suffers. I'm an onlyfans model manager. Not even knowing how hollow, fake and totally void of any reality, most of the porn industry is, could hold me from masturbating. I've been 5 years into a hole of on/off relapsing to paying for premium adult Omegle sites. Being a relatively attractive male, very muscular and tattooed, I found success there with women and validation. I don't even need the site, I have plenty success with women, it's just easier online and quickfixes my need for intimacy and dopamine. So I don't care to experience my mild anxiety for social settings. And some cam girls on the side when lazy or feeling unpresentable. Never paid for porn, never paid for content. No idea what I'm trying to say. I guess it's something like.. I want to be able to do my job without being triggered. I am not one of them, the customers. Or maybe I can conjure more willpower by demeaning myself to be one? I've always found power when I was drowning in the fucking gutter. I can do this. For some reason it motivates me and makes me realise my problem isnt that big, watching others way more unfortunate in every aspect. I'm fucking lucky and I should cherish it. Keep it sacred, use the life force, body and mind I've been given. I'm powerful and very, very tired of beating myself bloody mentally again and again. I got this