Fall #1

Well, this isn’t really my first fall. I have fallen many times over many years. But after talking with my pastor on Friday, I was pretty determined to be free. I made it two nights safe and semi-sound, but I failed today. Why? Because I’m so lonely—both with a lack of friends and a girlfriend. At church today, there were couples everywhere. The couple next to me were touching eachother—during church when I’m trying to pay attention to the Lord. Then, when I got back, I decided to watch a movie. What was in the screen? Relationships. So I went outside to read. There were couples everywhere! I became jealous and angry. I also was angry because I was ghosted by a girl I was really into, that none of my three relationships before then had worked out, and that no one is liking me back on the dating app. Im working so hard to connect with people, but with so little luck. So out of frustration, I went back inside and fell into temptation. But I think that therein lies the issue. It isn’t porn itself, but it is wanting to find connection and feeling like I matter that the porn “gives.” So maybe a next step for me is learning how to deal with that loneliness of not having a partner, as much as I’m trying. I’m disappointed for falling and messing up, but I think that this gives me greater clarity for what I need to work on. Instagram, YouTube, and Facebook are all giving me relationships posts, so I clearly need to stay away from those as much as possible. So encouragement for you too: don’t just look at porn as the problem. What else are you struggling with that is feeding into your addiction? Maybe start working on tackling those little by little. Just a thought!