Came close but man this is hard

Went searching for a peak of it and wound up looking at porn to justify to myself that it would be okay to masturbate to it. I turned it off before I went any further but damn this is hard. Ive already relapsed before so I just want to have enough self respect to actually mean it when I say “no” to myself. Not sure if this counts as a relapse but if not it sure is close and it’s as close as I ever want to get again. First few days i hear are the hardest. I just want to stop feeling so damn insecure