Relapse number I can't even count it anymore

Fuck I relapsed so many times by now that I low-key doubt that u even want to quit. Every time the same thoughts are coming to my mind, bevor and after. I can't allow myself to leave me in this mess... I know I'm not meant for endlessly suffering under this addiction I've been having for over 10 years now. I know it's been really tough and I've broken my one promises many times by now. But I can't allow myself to fall into the abyss of this addiction! I know I can beat it I know I can break free from this!