I failed but also won
Last night while I was working out in my room, I had these strong urges and they made me think of lustful thoughts. I prayed and asked God to help me set my mind on good things. I’ve had thoughts of porn and all but this was the first time during this current streak where I had this strong urge, my heart was racing and all. When I was done working out I sat on my bed and picked up my phone, I think picking up my phone sort of stopped me from thinking and I started to indulge in lustful thoughts and I touched myself, however I didn’t watch porn. I felt really disappointed in myself after, however I knew the battle was not over. Because whenever I fall into masturbation, the next thing that follows is me going all the way to watch porn. I knew for sure that the urge to watch porn will come and I did not want to give in. I always used to say “well I already feel shame and guilt so I might as well go the whole way and get on with it” but I really did not want to intentionally disobey the Lord like that again. I asked for forgiveness for my sins and prayed that He will help me not to watch porn. While I was praying the urge came, the thoughts of porn came, and everytime in the past I would fall and go ahead and watch porn, sometimes even right after praying. But this time by His grace I didn’t fall. I really prayed to God to give me victory, I know the enemy thought he won cus I masturbated but I knew that God had forgiven me for that and I did not allow shame or guilt to make me do even worse. I fell asleep and woke up this morning and thanked God for the victory He gave me. I know the fight still isn’t over, the enemy may still come even today to try to cause me to watch porn but I will not. I will not!
One thing I also realized while I was thinking last night is that I didn’t actually want to watch porn, I thought about it, all the videos, all the women, and I knew I didn’t actually want to watch porn. I realized that when these urges come, sometimes they are natural, we are human and sometimes we get horny, that’s normal, but because of the many years of watching pirn and masturbating, our minds associate being horny with porn, so automatically pornographic thoughts come to our mind and we may think it means we need to or want to watch porn but it is actually just our brain seeking what it believes gives us the most dopamine. So I don’t need to be afraid when I get an urge, I can slow down and know that I don’t actually want to watch porn, my flesh has just been wired to believe porn will satisfy me in this moment. I have the power to actually say no, because I know that is not what I want, the urge will only be temporary, eventually it will go and I will feel much better than if I indulged. I’m also not going to pick up my phone whenever I get an urge, because that is also a trigger. Just some thoughts I was having. I feel good now, porn is a horrible thing and it wants to keep all of us in bondsge by making us afraid, afraid that we will never be free. But we are free, we all are free, we can leave it behind us but we must have no fear, no guilt, no shame. It is a lie, a lie that I’m no longer going to believe or accept.