A new commitment

Seeking pleasure and joy, a young man found himself with a hand full of sp*rm. The continual days deprived of a true connection had lead him yet again to a place of chaos… Despair held its hand on his shoulder as he continued about his day, reaching into his soul to play games with his heart. Isolation a common place of comfort to hide away the fear of rejection. The young man is me. Let me give you some backstory. In my early teens, I discovered pleasure. P*rn, weed, nicotine, and alcohol were daily habits I developed around 15 as it always gave me the mountaintop feeling I was searching for. Not to disregard the harder drugs (meth, ecstasy, shrooms, molly) I did at parties with my friends. Truth is, I only felt more and more unsatisfied over time. I grew up in a strong Christian home, a missionary kid until I was 12 and a pastors kid to this day, but I was never able to get the judgemental God out of my head. Consequently, I had hardened my heart. It took many trials and circumstances that finally lead me to the point where I realized, I need help. Fast forward to today, I found Jesus. I found his true love and character in the shadows of my journey. There’s a huge problem that I’ve had to deal with now. It’s my desire. My internal compass is crooked and distorted by my sin, and it continually leads me back to despairity. I’ve been sober from these vices (weed, p*rn, nicotine, alcohol) for 6, 3, 5, even 8 months yet somehow I’ve relapsed 7 times into seasons of gluttony that stretch for months. Even after I’ve experienced the freedom of sobriety. All this being said, I’m in another low season right now, trying to understand why I turned to these things instead of God. I read something the other day that said, “the opposite of addiction isn’t sobriety, it’s connection” and that hit hard. So this is my hand reaching out in a place I currently feel comfortable. I want to be a better man. Yet… I drag myself down time and time again. I feel the pains of my actions and decisions, and I ask God why he allows me to trod these same lands, far from his face. I need to commit to sobriety again, so I can discover the dark truths about myself I have failed to acknowledge. If you can relate to my story, to this cycle we call failure. Know that even now as I type these words I am interceding for you. Crying out to God from this valley pouring out my heart for the lost. Let’s fight this together. As I commit to steps of healing, I ask for your prayers. If you made it this far, thank you already, for just hearing me out and listening. I found this app today and plan to use it to help me overcome. Blessings to you.