Trying to Stay Aware

It’s only been one day since I stopped watching porn, and already I can feel the tension building. I’ve been through this cycle enough times to recognize the signs. The first day always feels like a small victory, but also like standing at the bottom of a steep hill, looking up. I know how the next few days usually go. The urges build, the justifications creep in, and then, if I’m not careful, I slip. Again… I’ve tried to quit so many times over the past few years. Some attempts lasted a few days, others a few weeks, but no matter how long I held out, I always found myself back at the start. It’s frustrating, yes, but oddly, I don’t feel defeated this time. Not yet at least. There’s still a part of me that believes I can change. I just need to be honest about the patterns I fall into. One of the hardest parts is the mental gaslighting. That voice in my head starts spinning the same narrative, “This is normal. You’re a young guy. Everyone does it. It’s not a big deal.” Maybe that’s true for some people, but I know what it does to me. I know how it makes me feel afterward…disconnected, numb, and ashamed. I know how it warps my sense of intimacy with friendships and relationships and how it eats up time I could be spending on something real. So I’m writing this here on QUITTR to get out of my head a bit. To stay honest. I’m trying to recognize the voice of the addiction before it convinces me it’s just “me being me.”, because it’s not. That voice isn’t me… it’s the loop I’ve been stuck in for way too long. I’m not aiming for perfection. Just awareness. Just a little more distance between me and that first click. If I can make it through today, and then tomorrow, that’s enough. If I slip, I’ll be back here. No shame, just truth. One day at a time.