Reflecting on Yesterday
Yesterday I am reminded that I have urge or triggers to masturbate when I’m alone early in the morning or late at night. I find myself remembering and picturing the porn I’ve watched or looked at. Those memories are so vivid sometimes. And when I’m alone with those thoughts it’s so hard to fight the urge to masturbate. And sometimes it’s not even porn, it’s a video I watched that had no sexual undertone that happened to have a beautiful woman in it that I then sexualize. Or maybe an encounter at work with a woman I found myself attracted to. It’s like my brain knows I’m trying to change and all it wants is to pull me back in. It feels like my imagination is in overdrive sexualizing and objectifying anything and everyone. It’s demoralizing and frustrating and I feel so trapped. I haven’t been able to talk to my partner about these feelings yet. She has yet to come to terms with my most recent relapse yet, and she may never. Yesterday I found myself doing other things to distract myself. But I know she’s watching me. She expressed yesterday that she feels I don’t care or I’m not trying because I’m just doing these other things instead of “doing the work.” It makes me feel bitter. But I know she’s not in a place to hear or understand why I’m distracting myself. She’s still angry, and she has every right to be. I hope today will be better.
I'm really sorry to hear your story and I will try to get back to this later so I can respond appropriately because I think that there is something very important to be said here.