Not again

Today was a terrible day. And I did it to my self. I was told the my grandmother passed and it really hit hard it just seems like my family is getting older and starting to lose them right in from of me…. Then I added the extra pressure to make sure i started off with gold in all my events for my dad and grandma literally almost drowned and push my body as hard as I could and fell short 3 sec in one event it was a huge blow…. I come home and explain everything to my wife which was supportive and gave me reinsurance that I need to keep going and proceeds to let me know she’s been talking with my family about the passing of my grandmother I look back and I say thank you. And what do I do? Fall to my temptation and try and get a quick relief. I fucked up. I just had this seance of sadness and felt like I couldn’t concentrate. And of course my wife walks in and catches me in the act. Back to to zero. Maybe worse. I literally hate myself.