Looking ahead

I’ve been watching porn for years. Despite being in long term relationships with consistent sex, I would watch porn before or after like it was a transaction I had to do before sleep. At first I felt guilt but the temptation won, I tried to quit in high school and made it a month then went back. Now I’m out of college and looking for a wife, and I had a realization. For years, I was watching porn and not feeling any guilt, viewing women as objects, acting like porn addiction was normal. Lethargy, laziness, and bitterness took root and seed. Wasn’t until this past week, I realized my pattern of breaking up with women once it got time for marriage all stemmed from suppressed guilt of knowing I wasn’t the man others thought I was. So I made a decision, if I want to be a father and a husband, and deserve it, then I had to fix my own problems before diving in with another woman. It’s hard because I desire a connection with women and it’s not hard to find one but I always end up having sex too early and changing the dynamic. So I’m celibate from all of it now, time to be a real man not just appear as one. It’s a lot deeper than just my porn addiction but it is a big part of it. To fix the body one must fix the mind and to fix the mind one has to find the soul.