Dedicated-No movement

I am a young man wanting to live his life not being trapped and chained having to live a double life. I am being held down by this relapsing. The guilt I feel after is horrible and it’s starting to make me feel really numb inside. I have the dedication to do this but I have no movement. Have you ever just looked at something for so long that you can’t move unless you really force yourself? That’s what it feels like. I know I can do it, it’s just really hard. All love to you guys. Stay strong.