I’m just numb.
I’ve been trying to quit porn for over 10 years now. Thats just under half my life. I’ve been trying content blockers, accountability buddies, therapy, etc, but I know all of the work-arounds to accessing it regardless of how locked down my technology is. I’m just completely numb. I feel nothing. I don’t feel guilt or shame, I don’t feel joy or glee. Has anyone else felt this way? For context, I grew up without dad being present (I watched him get arrested when I was 9), I was a straight A student until Senior year when I was suicidal, and now I’m an entrepreneur trying to grow a business. I’m always busy, always alone, never have been satisfied with the presence of other people. Conversations are always bland and shallow, an inch deep and a mile wide. My soul needs deep topic conversation. I logically know that my numbness is a problem, I just don’t know it emotionally for some reason right now. Maybe I do know it emotionally but my brain chemistry is wired in a specific way? I logically know I need help, but it’s like I’m stuck between gears or something. I’m looking for genuinely helpful and honest feedback on my situation.
Hey man, I don’t know you but this hit close to home. I grew up in a dysfunctional home & my parents got divorced when I was in first grade. At 8 years old I was exposed to porn & it quickly became something I was interested in at such a young age & eventually became an addiction. I honestly used porn to cover up the hurt from my childhood & I did that all throughout high school. I was lucky enough to earn a baseball scholarship & I played my freshman year. Well I got hurt & my dreams were crushed. At that point I was alone & had no friends bc all my friends played baseball & that wasn’t apart of my life anymore. Dude to tell you the truth I was addicted to porn even more to cover up so much hurt & I was so desperate. Well I just hit my knees before bed bc i literally had nothing to lose so why not try out seeking God. Well I prayed every night to just see some love in my life, real love, the kind of love where I feel seen & appreciated. Well nothing happened! But I continued to pray & I even started reading my Bible & going to church. God was working in me & I didn’t even know it. He was strengthening me & I wasn’t aware of it. As I read the Bible & read the words of Jesus, he started to change me man. He helped me have an actual relationship with my family, he made me more aware of the world around me, he gave me hope for my future, & most of all HE GAVE ME PURPOSE. Now the Lord just didn’t shoot down love on me like I asked haha. Rather he sent me so many friends who showered love on me & accepted me for who I am. I met these friends at church & it’s been the best thing to happen in my life. Brother, you are made in the image of God!!! The enemy wants you to believe that you are weak, he wants you to believe that you don’t belong & you should just end it all like you thought in your senior year. He wants you to stay stuck in porn bc he has you right where he wants you, he has you separated from God. But guess what, you may be separated from God but you will never be separated from Gods love!! Just as Jesus says, nothing can separate us from Gods love! Brother, our lord Jesus is pursuing us with open arms & he wants to embrace you with compassion & joy. I am a man who has made many mistakes, I am a man who still has an addiction, I am a man who still has bad habits, but I am a man who has a savior who forgives me for all that I do because he has died for it already. Me & you are free of debt in Gods eyes bc Romans 6:23 says the wages of sin is deaths but the gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus!!!! LETSS GO!!! Brother there is a way & his name is Jesus! I encourage just hit your knees & say “God, I have seen what you have done in the lives around me but I haven’t been able to experience that. God I ask that you search my heart & cast out all the burdens of life. I ask that you heal the deep wounds from my childhood. I ask that you free me from sin. God, i accept the free gift of eternal life through Christ Jesus. I ask that you just work in my life & help me in every aspect. God, i surrender this addiction of porn to you & ask that you be with me through the temptations. In Jesus name Amen”. Brother the last thing I’m going to share with you is that I fail man, I have ran back to porn countless time but God has always accepted me back & every time I feel guilty I pray for God & ask him to forgive me of my sins. I feel like a weight is lifted off of me. Micah 7:8-9 says “Do not rejoice over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will stand up; though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light. Because I have sinned against him, I must endure the Lord’s fury until he champions my cause and establishes justice for me. He will bring me into the light; I will see his salvation. ,” I love you brother, I really do because you are made in the image of God & so am I. I want to help you man but God is the ultimate healer & he doesn’t seek the healthy. He seeks the sick, the ones with the addictions & bad habits. The ones who are desperate! He will give you real deal life! Just go talk to him!! Psalms 23, Lametations 3:22-24, Jeremiah 29:11.