Please read this dairy

I wanna do good, but I always end up doing evil. I feel powerless against my own flesh It’s crazy how bad I wanna change for the better; Every time I relapse I make a new pledge, they never last. I be disgusted with my life, actions, and how weak I am to my flesh. So I would make the decisions to turn my life around, and for a lil while I would feel good about myself; then the days of urges would come. When they come, my brain completely shuts off from any reasoning, any morals. The holy spirit then withdraws from me, and my flesh takes full control. After that Any promises I made, I would completely about them; the feeling of conviction would leave me altogether. Sometimes, something would remind me of the promises, but then the flesh is so in control that I couldn’t care less. All I wanna do is watch porn and masturbate. Post nut clarity‼️‼️, then there’s the after, all senses are back, reason why back, memories back. All the promises I had made are back, and then disgusted is how I would feel. I hate that feeling with a passion, yet I still keep doing the same thing I know causing these feelings. Depends on how deep I am, sometimes even after, while feeling disgusted, I would do it again just to get these feelings away from me for a while. Dumb! I know. Then there’s the most important thing, feeling like I let God down so bad that I am not worthy of forgiveness. Although we are not worthy of forgiveness, mercy was given to us anyway, despite all we’ve done. And I would not pray nor ask for forgiveness. I wouldn’t know what to say or how to start. Deep down I know I will let him down again. This is the process for many of us, men and women. Some for over 10 years, some under 5 years. We feel like we in a cage, and can’t get out. Read this carefully, I want you to know that you have to take accountability. You’re the only one responsible for falling into this. YOUR PHONE isn’t your friend, SOCIAL MEDIA isn’t your friend, SOME MOVIES aren’t your friends. All this is something you can try to pluck out of your life to avoid temptation. This you have control over. What you don’t have that much control over are your thoughts. They will happen, once you’re exposed to porn, your mind will never forget it, therefore you must overcome it by breaking the habit, not by trying to forget it exists. Once the habit is broken, your thoughts will start to get clearer on its own. It’s all true, when you accept Jesus as your savior, your body, brain and thoughts weren’t made new, just your spirit. Therefore, your body needs constant repentance. It will always try to wrestle with the spirit. Because it’s not going to heaven with you. We can stay here ask God why some of us we keep sinning like this when we want to do good, or you can try to understand that the nature of our flesh is mixed with sin, and that will never change. What you can do is run from the temptation, don’t stand to fight as you will fail. Remember that we live in a world of evil, remember that the spirit living in us is like a flame, and the cold wind is like this world. The closer you are to the wind, the weaker the flame is. Keep the spirit fed with goodness, forgiveness, love. These things will help you overcome anything, even LUST.