Trying again
My fiancé had a horrible relationship of 5 years prior to us being together. He was frequently unfaithful. He had a serious porn addiction from what I’ve heard. I didn’t learn this until about a year into our relationship, I had been casually using porn the entire time. I felt I could possibly lose her if I told her the truth. I eventually came clean near the 2 year mark. I had agreed I would stop, because she said this was a boundary for her. I managed to go 8 months clean after giving her my word, but unfortunately I went back to my previous ways. I lied by omission, and falsely reassured her I wasn’t using. Until recently. Previously I viewed our arrangement as me “giving up” porn, like I was sacrificing something. I realize now, I was doomed with that mentality. I’ve needed to view it as I’m giving up nothing, but gaining freedom from it.
I don’t know if I could put down a single answer as to why. I viewed it as a sacrifice I was making for her, because of her views on it. I think placing the blame on her for my non use, led me feel resentful. Because nearly all my friends talk about women/porn to some degree. I would hear comments they make, and I would think things to myself like, “if I ever did/said that, I would never be forgiven.” I think I just became envious of my friends. I believe now, quitting shouldn’t feel like that, porn watchers should be envious of people that are able to have self control to not watch