Everything Hurts…

Lately, I’ve been feeling really lost and unsure of where I’m going wrong or what I’m even doing anymore. My struggle goes deeper than just watching porn or masturbating — it’s tied to a pattern I’ve been stuck in emotionally. It started with my first serious relationship, which lasted about two years. It was toxic and manipulative, and even though it hurt me more than it healed me, I stayed because we were physically intimate — she was the first person I had sex with. That bond made it incredibly hard to let go. But eventually, I grew tired of trying to love someone who only pushed me away, so I moved on. After that, I met someone new. Looking back, I realize I was using her to heal from my past. At first, I brought all the baggage with me — the trust issues, the insecurity, the fear of being cheated on again. I didn’t give her the freedom she deserved. Over time, I actually began to care deeply for her, and she became someone special. We grew closer and ended up being intimate too — I was her first. But a month ago, she broke things off. She said she still loved me but needed space to heal. Instead of seeing that as a healthy boundary, I took it as a threat. When she added a few guys on her phone, she told me it wasn’t about doing anything wrong — she just wanted to feel free and independent, and not controlled like I had made her feel before. But it made my insecurity worse. Eventually, after months of struggling and clinging, she decided to cut ties completely and blocked me on everything — that happened just yesterday. And yesterday, my ex — the first one — reached out again. She apologized and admitted to where she went wrong. One thing led to another, and we ended up doing things over the phone that I regret deeply. Now, I feel like I betrayed myself, my healing, and the girl I truly cared about. I know I need to take a real break from relationships and focus on healing. But right now, everything just hurts. My heart is a mess, and I feel like I’m spiraling.