Window of Clarity

Hey guys, I’ve been struggling with this for so long it’s not even funny. Broken house hold and was molested as a child by a cousin and it severely warped my perception of sexuality and how precious and sacred it is. I say this just to show anyone else reading this that I am going through whatever you are or I can at least fathom what you’re going through. Ive been on and off porn for awhile where sometimes I convince myself to stop for a bit, just to go back and give myself another excuse as to why it’s acceptable to do it JUST THIS TIME, but I realized something today. Before I typed this, I was struggling and staring at the Home Screen if this app and was leaning towards relapsing. I had even told myself “you know what you’re about to do” and “won’t it just be such a nice release to get it over with real quick”. It almost consumed me and I just stopped and sat there and went blank in my mind just prolonging the inevitable, it felt like o disassociated and let my carnal desires take over (which is how it feels every time and I’m sure you know the feeling I’m talking about, where you just let it take over). At that moment it felt like there was a pinhole of higher consciousness that I could slip through to help grab the wheel of my decision making. I recognized it and everything that I’m trying to accomplish by staying clean really came to light in my mind and the only way to explain it is, I jumped towards that pinhole of consciousness in my disassociation. What I’m saying is, I have felt that feeling before and I never tried to reach out to it but this time I did, and when I jumped, I instantly became completely aware and focused on the goal and I stood up and dressed myself like it was nothing and the feeling of accomplishment was so awesome I just couldn’t quit smiling. I urge you guys to look for the pinhole that I found. Look for the lamp in the field of darkness. Love yall. Stay strong.