Miserable

Miserable life I live. Constant cycle of hope and disappointment. Unrelated to this addiction I don’t care about that anymore. It’s bigger than this. Seeking love which I will never find. Seeking connections I will never have. Got the face and body of a model so I should have a girl right? Wrong. Looks don’t matter when you got the social skills of a toddler. Don’t know how to connect with other human beings. Going to the gym for the second time today at almost midnight after work. All this self improvement but still a weirdo. Girls giving me mixed signals giving me hope then taking it away. Don’t even know anymore. Lonely and miserable. Never sharing my feelings so this is my only way of letting it out. Cut off both of my parents so no relationship with them. Don’t want to tell my sisters about this don’t want them worried. Just gonna go home and beat my shit again then hit the gym to cope with this loneliness. Always been the floater friend with no real purpose in anyone’s life. Only thing people point out about me now is how good I look. Doesn’t matter. Gym isn’t even for self improvement anymore it’s so I don’t go insane even though I already have. Only 18 and feel like I’ve lost all drive to live. All purpose gone. Suicide isn’t an option so I guess I have to live in this hell. Constant cycle of disappointment and anguish. All problems are a result of myself. My inability to socialize or connect with others. No hope. Nothing. I’m done.