Free Will

I used to battle my porn addiction every single day. It felt like a constant war—I’d fight hard to resist, only to eventually give in. Sometimes I’d convince myself it was harmless to just watch a little or edge without climaxing, thinking that as long as I didn’t finish, I’d be okay. But by the end of the day, I’d almost always relapse. As time went on, my addiction escalated. I started paying for cam girls and using chat roulettes, masturbating online with strangers. Eventually, I crossed another line and sought out a real woman at a massage parlor. I told myself I just craved sexual variety—that maybe I wasn’t meant for monogamy because porn had wired my brain to want constant novelty. I even started preparing to be unfaithful in real life. I courted a woman at work and developed feelings for her. That’s when I confronted my wife. I told her I wanted to open our marriage, and worse, I manipulated the moment—I said if she couldn’t accept that, she was immature and didn’t love me for who I truly was. But instead of turning away from me in anger or pain, she showed me grace. She helped me uncover the deeper roots of my addiction—things I had kept buried for years. I grew up in a broken home, like so many others, with no sense of safety or comfort. I discovered masturbation at age six and was exposed to pornography by eight. For years, I used porn—and later marijuana and other substances—as a way to numb the emptiness I carried inside. I’ll never forget the moment I confessed everything to my wife. I dropped to my knees and prayed to God that I wouldn’t lose her—and He answered that prayer. Since then, He’s been slowly opening my eyes to His truth, revealing a path to healing and freedom from lust. We all have free will. We can choose whatever path we want. But I’ve come to believe that true freedom is found only by walking with God. He won’t magically shield you from temptation—but He will give you the strength to turn away, to fill your heart with the love, peace, and wholeness you’ve been searching for. To anyone reading this, I pray you find the same peace I have. I pray God meets you in your hour of need and gives you the strength to turn your eyes and heart away from lust—and toward the love He’s always had waiting for you. In Jesus’ name, I pray. Amen.