Paralysis

I feel stuck. Paralyzed between wanting escape how shitty and lost I feel by indulging and at the same time restraining so hard I can’t even get myself aroused. I’m stuck between two states, and it puts me back in the same cycle of depression and not being able to move until hours pass. It just sucks, man. I feel paralyzed. It’s hard to find self-love when self-hate has ruled my life for as long as I can remember. Even as a child. It’s just hard being honest with myself finally. I break free into a sobriety that’s full of pain. It’s honest pain but it’s so hard to stay here. I know this is the only way I can win. It’s just so damn hard. I just need to type it down.