Please pray for me (for all of us)

Please read my story.. and give me your thoughts.. I never thought pornography would destroy my life so profoundly. Sadly, it all started far too early—I must have been around ten years old, maybe even younger. Back then, I used to play a game with my relatives called “showing genitals.” From a child's perspective, it was just a game, but looking back, it was the beginning of something very dark—something I couldn’t understand at the time. Shortly after—when I was around ten or eleven—my cousin gave me my first orgasm. We were both boys. I had no idea what was happening, but in hindsight, that was probably the moment when the gates of hell opened for me. He lived in another country, but every time he visited, he would approach me that way. It was disturbing and confusing—we did many things I deeply regret today. But I saw my first porn video with his older brother. I was still a child, and yet he would watch the most hardcore videos—without any concern that I was sitting right beside him. For me, it was shocking, fascinating, overwhelming. Seeing a naked woman for the first time etched itself into my memory. From then on, I began secretly visiting those websites on my own. And from that moment, I could no longer see women with pure eyes. Every woman became a sexual object: my teachers, my cousins, even my aunts. I was only twelve or thirteen. Still, I was able—at least from time to time—to restrain myself. My strong faith in God and the prophets, and the fact that I lived in a strictly religious country, helped me. I was successful in school and had wonderful friends who were also devout and supported me. But when I turned eighteen, everything changed. War forced my family to emigrate to Europe. That was the beginning of my inner downfall. I lost all my good friends—suddenly I was in a foreign culture, full of distractions. Access to porn, sex, and everything imaginable was easier than ever. As if that weren’t enough, I met a new “friend” who was addicted to sex. He would constantly tell me about his experiences with women—and it shattered my mental stability. I started watching porn regularly again. I would spend entire nights doing it. But at some point, even that wasn’t enough. I wanted more. My faith kept me from falling into even greater sins. I still managed to be very successful in school—even in a new language. I graduated top of my class. And then I met the most beautiful woman. We fell in love. At first, I didn’t want sex—because in my religion, it’s forbidden before marriage. She came from a different culture and wasn’t religious. But we had so much in common—we loved each other deeply. After six months of being together, we couldn’t resist anymore. We slept together—and for me, it felt like the end of the world. I had committed one of the greatest sins. I cried, I repented, I prayed. But that remorse didn’t last long. Our love only grew stronger, and we continued sleeping together occasionally—until today. But what’s destroying me the most is my addiction to pornography. It has only gotten worse. Because we can’t see each other often. And I can’t tell my family—they’re strictly religious, and I don’t want to break their hearts. I’m now 27 years old, and still, I’m living a double life. I love my partner—and I absolutely don’t want to lose her. She has often told me, “If I ever catch you watching porn, it’s over immediately.” To her, it’s worse than cheating. And I understand her. I don’t want to destroy this seven-year relationship over something like this. And by now, she has become religious herself. She wants us to stop committing sins—to live in chastity until marriage. But it’s hard. We keep promising each other, and we keep failing. What made things even more complicated was my medical studies. I was so good in school that I thought it would be easy—but I was wrong. Relationship stress, faith struggles, homesickness, academic pressure—all of it came crashing down at once. I often had suicidal thoughts. But my faith always kept me from taking that step. Thank God. And now—I want to fight. I want to marry this woman this coming August. I want to stop hiding, stop lying, stop sinning. I don’t want porn anymore—not a single look—until the wedding. I want to finally be free. For myself. For her. For God. I want to become a good doctor. One who helps people in need. But the way I am now, I will never get there. I pray to God that He helps me. That He helps all of us. Because only God can stand with us in the fight against Satan. ---