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Can someone read this and leave a comment

Day 0
by Rocket
2254 upvotes

I first watched porn and discovered masterbation when I was 8 years old, my little brother now is 8 and I’m seeing him grow up see all of the things that affect him and how they shape him, I see myself in him and I realize how destructive this addiction has been on my life, at first it started out as a thing that all my friends did. Something that made me stand out to older kids (I know now how fucked up this sounds) I also felt like it seemed normal like something everyone does and that its healthy for you, I would stay up all night watching. Either playing video games or watching porn and it almost became like an escape from reality, lustful thinking and activity distracted me from all my responsibilities from anything stressful it was like I could disappear in this fantasy world and everything would be okay and I would be happy. I’m 18 years old now and still struggle with it worse then ever, it’s gotten so bad that I feel like I can’t function normally without it I feel like a crack addict, my emotions are all over the place and I feel angry all the time I feel undisciplined and tired. This addiction has not only caused me to watch porn but also to get deep into hookup culture I have almost 100 bodies and I feel so lost, I feel like pieces of me were taken away each time and are forever gone. I feel like no woman will ever be loyal to me and that I have to peruse multiple women at once to keep my heart from being hurt, this has caused me to push away genuine relationships and to break girls hearts. Sometimes I download dating apps just for the idea that I would have a woman for the night that would save me from my constant mental torment, and then I get upset when that woman I find isn’t the person I need in my life. I’m in a really bad spot right now, in life, probably the worst spot an 18 year old kid could be in. I know there will be someone saying “it can’t be that bad or someone has it worse” but it’s really bad, my education is practically gone, I’m 6 figures in debt to my family and I struggle with this addiction so severely that I have almost become reliant on it for normal function. Any time I feel sad or scared or stressed out I lock myself in a room and boot up some porn. I go on Snapchat and thirst over nudes from random girls, I’ll get dating apps and try to find a random chick to hook up with, even now while writing this I find myself with the urge to do it. Writing about my suffering makes it real, accepting that it’s real comes with a choice: do I keep succumbing to my addictions and running away from my problems or do I try to make a change for a better life? Everytime I ponder this question the voice that wants to get better is silenced by the voice that wants to stay a fuck up. It’s almost like I’m so comfortable being a fuck up that I don’t even want to change. It just feels like I’ve been running for so long that when it all goes quiet while I chase this fake dopamine, I’m at peace and feel normal. Then when that feeling goes away .05 seconds after relapsing I’m met with this existential dread that gets heavier with each relapse. It’s almost as if the weight of years of wasted time and potential is sitting on my shoulders that it starts to crush and break me. I feel defeated, I feel scared, I feel alone in my suffering. I feel like everyone else my age doesn’t struggle with these problems the way I do, and college really solidified that for me. The more people I spoke to the more it seemed like everyone else was so many levels above me that taking the next step would make me fall so far I wouldn’t be able to see the level they would reach. I feel like I’m stuck in a pit where all I have to get out is my fucking bare hands and the walls are made with slippery mud. I have so much more I want to say but I lowkey just typed an entire essay and deleted everything on accident so I only saved the first half and I’ve been writing for about an hour so I’m going to bed. But I’m planning on journaling more after this

Comments (3)
Kwame Graham•160d ago

You not alone bro. I’m 27. Don’t be surprised on the amount of men that suffer with this in silence from their early 20s to late 20s. This is a war you have to face head on. I hated every moment I felt like I couldn’t control myself. Realizing that it’s not something so simple. You are growing brother. The first thing you should be proud of is acknowledging that it is bad for you. This means you personally want to change for the better like most of us here. We’re not perfect. If you woke up feeling the urge to do it again. Punish yourself. Do pushups. Sit-ups. Make yourself do some physical work. The idea is making yourself do the things you wouldn’t normally do while achieving the idea of distracting your addiction. So far I’m a week in and I remind myself every time that if I have an urge remember, it’s not real you are making love to pixels. Not to a real woman you love. Pray. Always pray to God. If you don’t know how it’s okay, just ask for Him to help you. You got this brother. Keep going. I’m with you in this. Keep updating this chat I wanna know your progress thru this journey together. You are not alone 🫡

Nathan Trim•160d ago

Bro you should feel proud of yourself expressing that story. Porn is a solid destroyer and I’ve been addicted since I was 8 or 9 too. I’m now 20 and still feel it eats away at me every relapse. I’m very much new to this app and just beginning my no fap journey so I can’t give you advice as if I’ve already made it but what is starting to help me is just being extreme as I’m not disciplined enough to control myself just yet. Sometimes if my trigger is boredom, I need to replace that with healthy dopamine like a walk or gym or reading as this helps. Another thing is if you’re that bad, as extreme as it sounds just get rid of your fucking phone man. If that phone is the middle man to accessing porn or nudes then you’ve got to just cut it out of your life and try to get on a complete dopamine detox. Cuz our dopamine receptors are fried and completely hooked on porn whenever we feel down or bored yet porn makes that feeling more frequent and strong so we just need to reset our brains completely

J•160d ago

I know it sounds cliche but give your life to God. When you feel so miserable, tired, lonely, and downright ready to quit, that is when you see best how much He will reach out His hand towards you. So that sounds nice and all but what does it really mean? I’ll tell you my story in short. I felt all those things I said earlier to the utmost. I woke up one day and couldn’t take it. So I fell on the ground and started weeping. I started talking to God through my tears and begging Him to help me. That moment changed my life the way He came and met me where I was. Give it all to Him. Tell Him everything you want to tell someone that would actually be there for you. See how it plays out. Just pour your absolute heart out. And see what happens. It won’t be sunshine and rainbows for the rest of your life after that because that’s when the work starts. But I promise you. If you want someone to pull you out of this, He is the only one that can do it. I’ll be praying for you. And I’ll try to check back tomorrow to give you actionable things to work on growing out of your porn addiction. I’m so serious though, just try what I told you. Please. For you. Praying for you brother

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