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My Story

Day 0
by Kamani Barnes
1225 upvotes

Hello, I’m Kamani Barnes and this is my porn addiction story. I first started looking at porn when I was in 5th grade. I just looked at pictures of sexy naked women, no videos yet. The videos didn’t start until I got to 6th grade. I should’ve known I had a problem when I would hide in the bathroom just to watch porn. That summer, I my family and I went to the pool, and when I went to the bathroom to dry off, I had seen that I had an erection and I said “Fuck it I’m jerking off!” and that was the first time that I ever done that. Little did I know, this would turn into an addiction. When I came out of the bathroom I told everyone that I just pooped, and I used that excuse every time I would do it. When COVID hit (I was in 8th grade), that was the worst. I would do it 3-4 times a day. One time was so bad that I hurt myself, it wasn’t like I had to go the hospital or anything but I just had to stop for a while. When school started again, I was nervous about starting high school. And because of those nerves I went to the one thing that I thought would help me, porn. My nerves were so bad, that I would go into the bathroom to “relieve” myself, but that quickly stopped because I was scared to get caught. So as soon as I got home, I would go to the bathroom to do it. Through out high school, I tried to quit but I just couldn’t go more than 3-4 days without doing it. I even downloaded a different NoFap app, but it didn’t work because by the time I graduated I seen that I had relapsed 800+ times. Well really, I didn’t make it work, because I always tried to release at the hour (e.g. releasing and hitting the relapse button at 12), and if I didn’t do it at the hour I would just tell myself to “try again tomorrow”. The longest that I went without doing it was the week of graduation, 8 days clean, but that was because I was around my family the whole time, but as soon as they left I went into the bathroom and relapsed. Every new year, I would tell myself “This is the year that I will quit porn for good” and not even a week in and I would relapse. I am currently a college freshman, which means I have been addicted to porn for about 8 years and I’ve been jerking off every week for the past 7 years. Which means that I probably masturbated ~2,000 times. And I feel so fucking disgusting with myself. I told myself that “I was going to quit before I moved into my college dorm”, but the first when I seen that my roommate had moved his stuff but he didn’t come until the day before classes started, I jerked off that whole weekend. After, when he finally settled in, every time he would leave the room or fall asleep that would be my cue to jerk off. One time he caught me (I think), he didn’t say anything but I’m pretty sure he seen me. I would also jerk off in the shower and sometimes I would not wear underwear because I was so horny. While I was waiting for my roommate to fall asleep I would be watching porn on Reddit and Twitter to build up my “excitement” and when he finally fell asleep that’s when I would start (since then I have deleted my account on both of those apps). I try to keep myself busy with my school work to avoid jerking off, but as soon as I get in the bed and my roommate would either leave or go to sleep, I would jerk off. There would be times I did it out of pure boredom, I didn’t even enjoy doing it, I just did it. Because of this addiction I always isolated myself from everybody. But I want to break out of that. The only thing I’ve accomplished so far (pornography wise) is not having sex dreams about every beautiful girl that I see. This is my 5th relapse since I had this app, and feel so disappointed at myself. There are just times when I just get so horny I just give into temptation. I hope that one day I can finally be 100% free of porn and see the natural beauty in women, instead of just looking at them and thinking about sex. I don’t really care if anyone reads this, I just need to tell my story. I hope writing this will help me get over this terrible addiction or at least gives me a bit of shock therapy. To anyone who is reading this I hope my story will inspire you and to maybe even write your own story to help you quit.

Comments (4)
Coltin Fitch•181d ago

Also a great book to read is Atomic Habits by James Clear

Coltin Fitch•181d ago

Incredibly similar story, your not alone friend. I started reading or finding other things to do that help me focus towards a goal. For example I started going to the gym, but then I had to meal prep to make sure I had enough protein and carbs each day. Then I wanted to start recovering better so making sure I went to bed at the same time every night. And so on, started reading when I would eat instead of watching videos or social media. It kind of helps keep your mind off of it a little, especially not seeing all the Instagram thots. So find things that don’t trigger you per se but you enjoy that take up some time.

Bobby Folts•182d ago

Brother, youre not alone. I started watching porn in 6th grade, at 11 years old and i am now 22. Its crazy to think of how long we have been in bondage to this crap. We will make it out the other side my friend, day by day, moment by moment, by Gods grace we will get through it.

Scott•182d ago

I read it. You’re not alone. You can do this. In fact, there’s a future out there where you already have. Find your “why” and lock in. And try sitting with the urge and breathing through it. Habits can be hard to break so you have to train your brain out of it and shake things up. Leave the phone somewhere else to charge or turn on a timer that blocks access after a certain time. Something break the routine. But you can do it. A future you will look back and say you already did.

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