This is slightly off topic, but it still feels like the right place for it. I have developed feelings for someone I work with who isn’t my wife. My coworker and I have significantly more in common than my wife and I do and I feel butterflies whenever I am around her. Even so, this is not something I am ever going to act on. I just need advice on how to handle this. Please feel free to weigh in or offer support.
If you value your marriage, be upfront with your coworker and set boundaries. You don’t have to admit you have feelings for the coworker, but establish the fact that “hey over so-and-so time, I’ve realized we’ve gotten a little too close to the point where I feel it’s disrespectful to my wife. I have no animosity towards you, but I’m going to distance myself from you and maintain a strictly professional relationship” Marriage has seasons, some will be higher than others. Hopefully this is a wake up call for you to initiate intimacy with your wife, “fall-in-love” with her again so to speak, and create new experiences with her so that SHE is the woman that comes first in your life no matter what. This is a test, please make the right call.
A lot of the feelings you have towards the co-worker may be newness, excitement. You probably felt exactly the same about your wife when you first met her. That newness has been replaced by something far richer, more sustaining, and more valuable but, sure, it doesn’t feel as exciting. Make it very clear to the coworker nothing can and will happen. Keep it super clean, friendly but at arms length - perhaps literally.
Hey brother. I experience something similar with a co-worker. Number one: my wife knows. I told her that there is a young woman at work that I find attractive and need to make effort to stay away from. My wife supported me and thanked me. I don’t recommend sharing if it’ll hurt your wife or damage your relationship. Of course, feelings are feelings, and acting out is what really matters, but who can guarantee we won’t ever act on it? Secondly- you’ve already done it, man- you told someone else. We’re here for you, of course, but we can’t offer support like someone who is present in your life can. You have a friend or brother you can share this with and walk through with? Love you man. Hang in there. You’re a good dude.
Butterflies is nervousness. You won’t get butterflies with your wife doing the same things as with you would with your coworker because you are comfortable with your wife. Love is effort. You get from it what you put in. You may feel like your wife isn’t putting in the effort either but you will likely have to take the lead and tell her you want the same.
Just picture this brother. Your wife has been a part of your life for many years I hope. Remember she could have left a while ago she wouldn’t be part of your life anymore. But yet she stayed. Just bc you get butterflies or have stuff in common, it doesn’t mean she will be there for you when you are down. You wouldn’t want to lose everything. Because I know your wife means a lot to you and she might even carry your kids. Please think carefully bc at any point she can just walk out our life. So love her fully. Spoil her once in a while have a nice dinner and then remember why you married her.
Maybe try to spend more time with your wife do something you both have in common
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Also, what might spark something in you to refocus on your wife is to ask yourself: “How have I been serving my wife? In what ways have I been making her feel loved?” Marriage is about serving your spouse, so perhaps working on that could help.