It comes in waves

I felt so good at 30, 45 days. But lately I’ve just been getting closer and closer to relapsing. I had a frustrating day at work and then some time alone in the house today and the temptations came back so strong. One of the biggest reasons I quit was for my wife - it destroyed her when she really understood my addiction and how I lied to her. Even my first relapses I didn’t tell her about and lied that I was doing better. I feel like I’m understanding my triggers better but it’s hard when it’s just feeling down about myself that makes me want to relapse because feeling those temptations just makes me feel worse which fuels the urge to watch porn to feel better. I know relapse isn’t worth it, I know it won’t actually make me feel better. But damn it doesn’t mean the urges don’t come. My sex life with my wife is the best it has ever been and I can’t believe I ever used to choose PMO over being with her - but these hard days I just want a quick fix for feeling bad or uncomfortable and porn is the very first thing that I think to turn to. I’ve been addicted for almost 20 years so I understand those urges aren’t going to just disappear but it’s so scary just how close I got to relapse after doing so well for so long. Stay strong everyone and remember it’s never worth it. Much love 🤘