Shame

I have been addicted to porn since I was about 10 or 11. I was first exposed to it younger though. I think I was about 8. I grew up in an emotionally abusive home, with a distant father figure. I would sneak down to the computer every night in the middle of the night to watch porn. I’d spend hours on the computer. Only rushing to delete the history and cookies once I knew it was almost time for my father to wake up for work. I spent years in this cycle of not sleeping and watching porn for hours each night. My mother had suspicions about what I was up to, and was always questioning me and dropping not so subtle hints about what I was doing being wrong. The shame of it all grew beyond imagination. Then came cell phones. Easy access made my addiction grow so much worse. I couldn’t hold a meaningful relationship to save my life as a young man. I struggled to focus on school, got kicked out of my youth group for the trouble I was causing. Started getting into fights, and falling into deep depression. My relationship with the rest of my family deteriorated into nothing. Years went by in broken, and meaningless relationships came and went. I felt so empty, discontent, shameful, and disgusting. Some days I still do. When I was 23 I joined the army. Basic training and AIT was the longest I’d ever gone without masterbating or watching porn. I felt so good. Clear of mind, free, and confident. I got my phone back after AIT. That first night in my dorm I went straight to the bathroom, went straight to my go to site, and beat it right in a public bathroom. Once again, disgusted in myself. I had just proven how strong I was for months, both physically and mentally. Then like it was nothing I crumbled again. I was so ashamed of the man I was. I fell into this deep dark pattern of trying to stop, failing, and then trying again for years. I met my wife at age 27, and had my first child at 29. She’s 2 now and I’m 31. Things were better for a year or so. Then I started slipping again. I lost my contentment again. What’s wrong with me? I have it all and feel like I’d lose it all for this disgusting habit. I want so badly to change. I just feel so lost. Ps. I retired medically from the Army at 7 years due to a TBI in the line of duty and several brain surgeries. Leaving me with PTSD, and severe panic disorder. I feel like I’m going insane. Hope someone gets something from this.