Hope and determination

It feels like I’ve been fighting this battle for far too long now. I was first introduced to pornography at the age of 9 by one of my friends in primary school. It became a regular thing when we saw each other. We would hide away and soak up the satisfaction. But that’s all it used to be. I remember the way it used to be exciting but felt wrong and guilt-ridden. And it was the guilt that allowed me to stop. Even then I had a strong heart. Even at 9 I knew my morals. It wasn’t until a couple years after that when I remembered what it was like. And I looked it up again. Although this time at the age of 11 it was a different kind of pleasure. What was once a fling of curiosity turned into daily routine. A way to cure boredom, an overwhelming addiction. I am now 17 years old and hate this part of me. I won’t tell anyone because I feel they won’t understand. I have tried day in and day out, so many methods to quit. Guided by my own sheer will and want to be a better person. My morals never changed. Not once. Although the guilt slowly became normal and my faith in myself was slowly breaking. Today I decided to try something I had never tried before - to talk to someone about it. This app has already rebooted the courage and the determination that has been very slowly dwindling with every relapse. Just knowing that there are other people out there fighting the same war I am fighting has given me the faith I needed. This time is it. I know it in my heart and soul that I am better than my subconscious. Better than the actions I couldn’t control. I will continue to try until the day I die if that’s what it takes. My hope and determination to be my better self will always be there. And for you reading this, I know yours is too. I am proud of you for continuing to push through your struggles. We will conquer this together. You are not alone.