Something I was kind of thinking about with porn today. Porn is like a seductive woman with a knife behind their back masquerading as companionship. When I was a kid I remember seeing a commercial for a TV show that I don’t remember the name of. But the commercial had a girl in an oversized t shirt and panties on top of a kid making out. But the whole time she is holding a knife in her hand unbeknownst to this kid. The show was something about how girls were using sex to kill teenage guys they didn’t like. That’s kind of how I envision porn treats us. It tries to trick us into believing that it’s comforting and that it’s everything we had heard about as a child from adults that talked about sex or what you hear about on TV. And we believe this trick, because it’s a Alibaba version of something we have always wanted or desired. I started my porn addiction at 13, (I’m 21 now), but I had always heard about my friends talk about sex or even at youth groups we were warned against porn. And I had never really heard about it so out of curiosity I looked it up. I didn’t know I had just started a 8 year battle that would cause so much pain and depression, suicidal thoughts, shame to look at girls, afraid I would hurt them because pastors and teachers at my Christian school would say rapists usually started with a porn addiction. So I was afraid I would hurt these girls I liked at school or were friends with so I isolated myself. Which made the depression worse. Which made wanting to watch porn even more desirable because it gave me a brief release from my mind tormenting me. But now into my early late teens and early 20s, the damage porn has done to me has made it so much more difficult to find the actual thing I have always wanted. Relationship and companionship with a woman that I love and that loves me. Maybe this is me trying to pledge, to some degree, to the world and to God, that I hate this addiction and I want to be sober. I hate what it has done to me. I hate the depression, the shame, the guilt, the way I feel around women, the never ending feeling of being dirty, the never ending voice in my head that says I’m not enough. So this is my statement into the internet universe that has caused me so much pain. I will quit porn, I will be happy, I will make my Heavenly Father proud, and I will find the one thing I have wanted since I was a child. I will find a wife that I will serve and love till the day I die.