Update

Some of you might remember my name if you’re on here frequently. I had hit a 70 day streak and was super proud of myself then had 1 bad day and spiraled for about a month. I was planning on how I was going to kill myself and was mentally drained. Crying everyday feeling numb to life after so many failed attempts. I thought I had escaped but it looks like that wasn’t the case. Got on anti depressants which I may or may not stay on (just trialing them right now) and I’m back to 20 plus days. I feel like maybe I keep getting thrown back here like God is trying to teach me something whether it’s my priorities or my way going about life that inevitably brings me back to square one. Trying to be more kind to myself and not be such a perfectionist. I feel as if when you put too much on your plate and you strive for the impossibility of perfection when you inevitably fail is when you relapse. Life is rough but I’m glad I’m still kind of kicking. I hope any of you struggling become mortified by what I’ve experienced. If you keep failing you’re going to reach a point where death seems like the only logical solution. It’s scary. I don’t think I have another relapse in me. Regardless of what happens I’ll continue to post periodic updates on here. At the end of the day it’s ourselves that have to make the decision no matter how hard it is to not go back to porn. It’s poison that the devil uses to suck every last bit of life out of us until we can’t take it anymore and I’m on the edge right now. I’ve failed God so many times but his Son still died for me. I think the ultimate failure would be to kill myself but at what point is my own free will a weapon used in my own demise? If I keel living in sin then I’ve failed to truly accept Christ into my heart so I suppose it wouldn’t really make a difference. So much going on in my head. Hope you guys have a good day. Stay strong. Will come back at 30 days.