My mind betrays me
Constantly I am in a state of fear. Fear of what I may do. My eyes have become a trained agent of sin. My memory commits to the image of those attractive, bouncy women. I desire them… I want to have sex with any beautiful woman I see; then I look down at my son. I think of his mother and how I promised her this wouldn’t happen again when we got married. My soul aches, my mind betrays me. I start to think “why did I marry this woman?” When I knew that I didn’t find her attractive. I thought I should look past her small chest and her lack of curves. I thought that her personality and heart would be enough. That it should be enough. Yet when I see a woman that’s more curvy than her walk by I think, “why couldn’t my wife at least have a nice ass?” I feel guilty but more than anything I feel down. I feel like I let her and myself down for not being true to what I want. However, I don’t know if that’s the porn talking. I started watching at 11, how would I know what I truly want from a woman? My mind betrays me. I don’t know if I want her anymore, but I don’t want to leave my son in a broken home. What is it that I want? Do I want a sexier woman who can make me happy? Or is that the porn talking? I might never know…
That’s a really tough position to be in. Please free yourself from your addiction before you make any big decisions. In your situation, I’d even recommend just locking yourself in a room and having your wife bring your food or something because you need to pull yourself together. I like what the other reply said about praying to see your wife as the most attractive woman, but I’d change it to pray to see the value in your wife and how you can help each other. Good luck brother