“Still a boy” day 10 journal
Although my mental health has gotten better with my decision to quit. I still struggle to control my mind… my heart is broken and there hasn’t been a day where some part of me doesn’t deeply fear the prospect of death being an everlasting nothingness. I consider myself an expressive person, which makes it hard not to just let myself break and cry. The distance between reality and my dreams also provides a powerful source for my anxiety. Despite this I know that relapsing would be devastating for my mental state and so despite the strong urges it’s completely off the table for me to relapse for any reason. I am having a hard time really choosing my path… and I always feel like I’m running out of time. I am trying to make a man of myself. I have done things that certainly have contributed to my progress in that… but it doesn’t feel like enough. This is a great community that is helping me quit. But the idea of me finding a closer deeper community is at the front of my mind. I just can’t believe I haven’t really settled in to who I am yet after almost 2 and a half decades of being alive… it almost feels as if I went backwards. As if I was more myself as a child. Do I have to let go of that? Is that what it means to be a man?
Hey man, I’m not sure if you’ll see this. But check out the book “on the shortness of life” by Seneca. Really short but so so powerful. It’s also a good introduction to philosophy. I grew up with no clue on what it means to be a man. Felt like I was wasting what was supposed to be my prime. This book opened my eyes. 100% recommend it as it could address some of the things you’re talking about.