I hate the pain in my chest

Midway through like day 3 or 4 after commiting again to really try. I’m experiencing the urges which is good. Anytime I go a while it’s because I randomly don’t have urges, not because I was able to conquer them. I want this streak to be me conquering urges successfully. Addicted since I was 11. I’ve kept my “sources” available on my phone, though not at the forefront. Because, from past experience, I know that deleting them has never deterred me in the past. I need to be able to live in this world. And I need to conquer this so that when my sons inevitably are plagued by the family illness, I can be there for them as a beacon.