Feeling drained and lethargic, prone to relapse
I’m trying hard to stay communicative on this app and active But it’s the middle of the workday and I’m feeling drained already. I know when I get home I’m gonna be even more tired and my brain is just gonna be fiending for porn to make up for “all the hard work” I did throughout the day, even though I feel like I’m not even working that hard. I’m terrified of relapsing and I don’t want to live like this anymore. I want to be confident in my values and my identity as someone who doesn’t view porn because I know it’s not good for me. I just don’t trust myself AT ALL because I’ve been in this position before where I feel renewed and I’m talking to people about sobriety and checking in, but it usually just lasts for 3-5 days, maybe a week max, before it all slips to shit again and the old me takes over I don’t wanna do that anymore. I wanna dig deep and make this a permanent identity change. I am not someone for whom viewing porn or going on Reddit or movie sites to ogle at pixels for self-pleasure is an option. I do real-world activities that are challenging and rewarding and nourishing to my soul
I can’t believe that as soon as life gets a little bit difficult, I’m so weak and the first thought that comes into my head is: “Wouldn’t it be so nice and comfortable if I just lied in bed and scrolled Reddit porn subreddits and numbed my brain with gooning?” I obviously know how disgusting and pathetic that is, but I just said “fuck it, I am a pathetic loser who sucks at life and can’t get any girls anyway, I might as well do what gives me pleasure in the moment” OBVIOUSLY this is hugely false and problematic thinking and behavior. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy. On the flip side, if I raised my standards for myself and believed I can be successful and attractive and confident, I can do the hard work and not harm myself but build myself instead