I don't just relapse on porn - how a relationship 6 years gone still affects my lust

This is a story that is supposed to address one of the core issues with lust addiction While I am not one to advocate against sex, there can come a point when all of our thoughts become focused on this is a huge problem. If you are struggling with the obsessive thoughts about sex with a past partner or someone that has rejected you, then maybe my own side of the underlying issues with attraction can be of help. *** I am not a man known for a strong resistance to pleasure: I like to play videogames, I masturbate a lot and I like snacking. Sometimes I do all three in just an hour. It has troublesome for me to get out of the standard habit of life. It is much easier to go through the motions of life than it is to live meaningfully, and the latter is hard work. A time when all these addictions for food and games was strongest happens also to coincide with when my sexual urge was strongest, about 6 years ago. That time was also more or less when I was in the most toxic relationship I have ever had and my longest standing relationship to date. I also had a strong addiction to wanting to be loved and have had more failed long-term relationships than I did have flings with no commitment, even if I wasn't mature enough to take the responsibility of being with a woman. So my addictions to food, games and sex, was strongest when my own sense of self-worth was at a minimum. I didn't play music anymore, I stayed in bed instead of interacting or going to University, and I never saw my own friends. My gf became my everything, something I couldn't escape from, but at the same time someone I found the comfort in being trapped with. Our sex was so good that I was convinced it made up for all of her shortcomings as a respectful partner and my own shortcomings as an adult man. I found it so addictive that I began to adopt obsessive habits after breaking up. I kept thinking about her on and on, and didn't know how to cope. I regressed to child-like behaviour like carrying a plushie she gave me around town (a grown man). To fill the void I played even more videogames, I entered a long rebound relationship (I was a serial boyfriend) and also still hoped to see her. When I was alone I masturbated thinking of her, I kept obsessing over girls with as similar a hairstyle as her and I got into crazier and crazier porn. Most of the time that I would masturbate I would think about some woman I had a relationship with, but it was mainly her. And I felt this need to think about her even when my own discomfort was at its most intense. Healing from this process was slow. The first thing I remember realising when our time together was over was that K had no more excuses for where I was in life and what I amounted to. Facing this reality was hard but I finally started to want to get better, even though I didn't know what that meant because I was so accustomed to snacking videogames and hiding from society. I had to gradually get out of my comfort zone, enjoy life more, meet people and do theatre. I couldn't have made this realisation with the help of my psychologist who told me "you didn't have a relationship, you had a crutch of a person that was really hot. That isn't love. You need to love yourself". This truth wasn't easy to accept.y life is hard. Everyday is sort of like a struggle but it's rewarding because I knew myself enough to see that if I didn't make a change I would feel miserable and be depressed. To this day, I am a man now with my own responsibilities, I'm finally adopting healthy habits, celebrating life, going out with my current girlfriend and meeting new people. I'm regularly training and learning and I'm starting my own business. Yes I am still drawn to things like porn out of a strong, strong habit. AND STILL sometimes when the discomfort is too much my brain relapses to sex with her. I do not love that person, and the idea of sex with her has become empty now, but it's still there. And I just have to come to terms with it like my psychologist said. Sometimes we need to accept that there are things in our life that our attractions are communicating to us. Years after I once came to her and told her "I believe my problem with sex and attraction towards women is that I'm in desparate need of approval from them and sex is the most gratifying way of obtaining that." While it may be true, it's not the most rewarding. We need to learn how to self love. That's the best way we can overcome our struggles. And I want to overcome my addiction to porn out of an act of self love.