I feel like I’m in Limbo

I have gone through nearly this exact same experience and understand how you feel—mad at your past self for ruining a relationship that you cherished. I don’t have many tips, since I am still working through this. Some things I have done were apologize (which I’m guessing you have done), and in my case, that friend has not responded to me and virtually ignores me. It is so hard, and I feel so guilty. I’ve learned that I need to move on—he doesn’t want me in his life anymore. (Also, I’m not gay and didn’t ask him for anything sexual—that’s why I said “nearly”—but nonetheless, you described the situation perfectly.) I hate doing it, but I’ve tried getting rid of his presence, like unfollowing him on social media, which helped me stop thinking about him as much. I would think about him and become depressed and angry at myself for what I had done. I really hope you can reconnect with your friend. I think a good sign is that you admit what you did was wrong or stupid. I hope you can do what I wasn’t able to do.

You need to give this friend time. The emotions your feeling are normal, it’s just that your response to them has been a physiological response resulting from years of answering these emotions with porn and masturbation. You need to identify these emotions that cause this, why you feel masturbating will fix them, and sit with these feelings until they go away instead of masturbating. Your friend is probably feeling betrayed and needs time. Give that to them and take that time to heal. You don’t want to trauma dump on them and try to fairy dust fix a serious situation. Would be a lot better for both of you if you took the next 1-3 months to heal and came to them with a sobriety chip and honest reflection.