The Poison Seeps Through the Cracks

I let myself jerk off last night. No porn or stimuli, just a head fantasy and the genuine sensation of my body. It felt healthy and positive at the time. Today I’m foaming at the mouth trying to reel in the urge to do it again. I’m seeing cues everywhere and the wrestle of the animal back into the cage has been nothing short of a fist fight that I’m hardly winning. If this has taught me anything it’s that the quiet discomfort of resisting every day is far easier than the riot that ensues when you let just a little bit of the poison in your veins. Won’t be doing that again. My new goal is to resist until my partner and I reconnect sexually again. We haven’t in a year but I’m trying to commit. This is hard- that is hard. There is no easy. But at least this way it feels like I’m in control, God willing.